Broke-Ass Stuart’s Goddamn Website

1200 Polk @ Sutter

While some Mexican food restaurants have fancy and romantic names like El Farrolito or Taqueria Cancun, the people at El Super Burrito said, “Fuck that! Let’s have our name tell people exactly what we do; we make big motherfucking burritos. That’s what we do!” It’d be like a clothing store being named Very Comfortable Cotton T-shirts (believe it or not, one of the world’s biggest telescopes is actually called the Very Large Telescope. These people can design a way to see light years away, yet can’t think of anything better than Very Large Telescope.). Despite the uncreative name though, the burritos here are good and yes, very big. The jumbo burrito is easily big enough for two people to split and it’s only $5.50. They also have all you can eat chips and salsa. But the decoration here takes the cake; they have so many Corona streamers and piñatas hung up that you would think it was a five year old kid named Corona’s birthday party.

5150 Geary @ 16th Ave.

Too cool to spend your leisure time playing video games, lurking on myspace, or doing drugs? Do you wanna impress that cute emo kid at the coffeeshop with your knitting abilities? Are you an out of touch shut in who is frightened by the world around you and wishes to be left alone? If you fit any of these categories, this quirky hobby store has what you might be looking for (except for peace of mind). The Hobby Company has everything from model planes to beads to rubber stamps to creepy doll house furnishings, all at an affordable price. I’ve never been described as crafty, so don’t expect to see me hanging out there.

286 12th St. @ Folsom

Don’t get your hopes up. There’s no eccentric and snarky candy millionaire running around with a platoon of orange faced musical midgets, drowning fat kids in rivers of chocolate and belittling elderly adults. No ma’am, not here, that’s called heaven. Despite that one major shortcoming though, the San Francisco Chocolate Factory is a great place because they do one thing really well; they make delicious chocolate. Considering that these chocolates are a bit of a luxury item, they’re fairly well priced; yummy goodness starts at just 99cents. And they have this whole system where you can buy your goodies by the percent of cocoa in them. White chocolate is 31%, milk chocolate is 38% and the dark stuff ranges from 55% to 72%. Personally, I’m a 38%-er.
p.s. I miss Gene Wilder.

920 Larkin @ Cedar

Wow I’m really amazed people don’t talk about this one more, it’s definitely one of those places that deserves mention in as many conversations as possible. It literally has one of the biggest archives of porno mags I’ve ever seen, and what’s remarkable is the sheer variety. If you’re into is 18 year old Inuit virgins in clown suits, being drenched in hot coffee, there’s a 97% chance that The Magazine has what you’re looking for. Sure this store has old fishing and baking magazines and shit for like 35 cents, but who cares about that when there are back issues of Juggs? If you don’t dig this place, you seriously have no soul (or a strong aversion to dirty old pervs).

144 Taylor @ Eddy

The decor of this spacious Italian/American restaurant harkens back to a time when the Tenderloin was a little bit more tender and smelled a lot less of piss. At Original Joe’s not much has changed since 1937; the waiters still wear tuxes, the booths are large, the cocktail lounge is swanky, and you can sit at the lunch counter if you like. Truthfully, eating here feels like being in a Frank Sinatra song. Although this is definitely not the cheapest place in the Loin (it’s about $12 for an entree), the portions are big enough to share with the guy who plans on mugging you on your way out. Really though, if you want a good meal and can spare a few extra bucks go to Original Joe’s.
p.s. Word to my dad who turned me on to this place because it’s his favorite restaurant in the City.

2948 21st St. @ Treat St.

If I were to guess what El Cachanilla translates to in English it would be, “not fucking around”. I know that’s not the translation at all, but seriously, this place makes all the other taquerias in the Mission look like total pussies. Sure I’ve seen other taquerias that sell tacos with cabeza (head fat), tripas (intestines), lengua (tongue) and even sesos (brains) before, but El Cachanilla one-ups them all and sells fucking ojos (bull eyes) too! If this were a prison movie, none of the other taquerias would mess with El Cachanilla because they’d be like, “See that guy over there? That dude is god damn crazy. I ain’t messin’ with him.” On a slightly more serious note though, this place does have good, cheap food ($1.50 tacos), and a little walk up taco window for if you just wanna order to go. Yo, if you do end up eating the ojos let me know.

3392 24th St. @ Valencia

A friend of mine, who works as a cook at a nice restaurant on Pier 39, once told me that a hamburger at his job cost $16. My immediate reaction was, “SIXTEEN DOLLARS! You better at least get a reach-around with your $16 hamburger!” After I explained in Spanish what a reach-around was, he answered, “No, but it does come with some very good fries.” Big Mouth Burgers also has very good fries that come with their burgers. And their burgers, while not being the cheapest in the Mission, are by no means $16. They offer a choice of burgers from hormone free beef, to veggie, to pork loin and also let you choose between baked beans, Caesar salad or great fries. Big Mouth also proudly sells Mitchell’s Ice cream so that you can have a delicious milkshake or root-beer float for dessert.