Broke-Ass Stuart’s Goddamn Website

295 Grand Ave @ Havemeyer St. 

Cheap vegan fast food?  What the fuck?  I thought vegan food was all about lengthy meals involving earth tones, tea sipping, deep conversation, and hugs that last just a little too long for comfort.  Oh wait, I forgot that it’s not just hippies that are veganing out these days, somehow the hipsters got tangled up in this protein deficient phenomenon too.  At least the hipsters got the price thing figured out; everything on the menu here is under $8 and there’s tons of different fake meat options. 

Personally, I like real meat, just like I like real tits, but I’m not gonna hate on anyone who feels the opposite…Ok, to be completely honest, I have had some pretty good fake meat in my life, but I’ve never actually felt fake tits before.  Is that weird?  There’s even a girl I dated briefly in college who’s gotten them since then, but it’s not like I can get fake boob  reparations.  I can’t just walk up to her and say, “Hey J–, since you didn’t have those when we were together, do you mind if I cop a quick feel?  Come on, it’s not like I haven’t felt your tits before.”  The thing is, for once in my life I’m not being pervy, this is strictly for scientific purposes.  So hey, if you’re liberal with your fake tits and we run into each other, let me know if I can feel you up.  Thanks in advance.

PS To all you vegans out there, don’t forget to take your vitamins.  Nobody wants to hang out with an anemic with rickets.   

106 Mosco St. btw Mulberry & Mott Sts., also at 99 Allen St. btw Broome & Delancey Sts.

The only English words the ladies at Fried Dumpling know are “How Many?”  And that’s enough, because the answer is usually five.  Yes friends, you get five of the best dumplings you’ve ever had for $1. And apparently instead of change they give you dumplings.  I bought a 75-cent coke and instead of giving me back a quarter, she just gave me another dumpling.  Sweet right?  The funny thing though is if you come and say you want $20 worth of dumplings.  The ladies kinda bug out, curse at you in Chinese, and then go into hyper drive.  My fantasy is to bring in that Japanese eating champion kid, (Kobayashi or something like that) throw down a $50 and let him face-off against the dumpling ladies.  It would probably be the best fifty bucks ever spent.

1200 Polk @ Sutter

While some Mexican food restaurants have fancy and romantic names like El Farrolito or Taqueria Cancun, the people at El Super Burrito said, “Fuck that! Let’s have our name tell people exactly what we do; we make big motherfucking burritos. That’s what we do!” It’d be like a clothing store being named Very Comfortable Cotton T-shirts (believe it or not, one of the world’s biggest telescopes is actually called the Very Large Telescope. These people can design a way to see light years away, yet can’t think of anything better than Very Large Telescope.). Despite the uncreative name though, the burritos here are good and yes, very big. The jumbo burrito is easily big enough for two people to split and it’s only $5.50. They also have all you can eat chips and salsa. But the decoration here takes the cake; they have so many Corona streamers and piñatas hung up that you would think it was a five year old kid named Corona’s birthday party.

5150 Geary @ 16th Ave.

Too cool to spend your leisure time playing video games, lurking on myspace, or doing drugs? Do you wanna impress that cute emo kid at the coffeeshop with your knitting abilities? Are you an out of touch shut in who is frightened by the world around you and wishes to be left alone? If you fit any of these categories, this quirky hobby store has what you might be looking for (except for peace of mind). The Hobby Company has everything from model planes to beads to rubber stamps to creepy doll house furnishings, all at an affordable price. I’ve never been described as crafty, so don’t expect to see me hanging out there.

286 12th St. @ Folsom

Don’t get your hopes up. There’s no eccentric and snarky candy millionaire running around with a platoon of orange faced musical midgets, drowning fat kids in rivers of chocolate and belittling elderly adults. No ma’am, not here, that’s called heaven. Despite that one major shortcoming though, the San Francisco Chocolate Factory is a great place because they do one thing really well; they make delicious chocolate. Considering that these chocolates are a bit of a luxury item, they’re fairly well priced; yummy goodness starts at just 99cents. And they have this whole system where you can buy your goodies by the percent of cocoa in them. White chocolate is 31%, milk chocolate is 38% and the dark stuff ranges from 55% to 72%. Personally, I’m a 38%-er.
p.s. I miss Gene Wilder.

920 Larkin @ Cedar

Wow I’m really amazed people don’t talk about this one more, it’s definitely one of those places that deserves mention in as many conversations as possible. It literally has one of the biggest archives of porno mags I’ve ever seen, and what’s remarkable is the sheer variety. If you’re into is 18 year old Inuit virgins in clown suits, being drenched in hot coffee, there’s a 97% chance that The Magazine has what you’re looking for. Sure this store has old fishing and baking magazines and shit for like 35 cents, but who cares about that when there are back issues of Juggs? If you don’t dig this place, you seriously have no soul (or a strong aversion to dirty old pervs).

144 Taylor @ Eddy

The decor of this spacious Italian/American restaurant harkens back to a time when the Tenderloin was a little bit more tender and smelled a lot less of piss. At Original Joe’s not much has changed since 1937; the waiters still wear tuxes, the booths are large, the cocktail lounge is swanky, and you can sit at the lunch counter if you like. Truthfully, eating here feels like being in a Frank Sinatra song. Although this is definitely not the cheapest place in the Loin (it’s about $12 for an entree), the portions are big enough to share with the guy who plans on mugging you on your way out. Really though, if you want a good meal and can spare a few extra bucks go to Original Joe’s.
p.s. Word to my dad who turned me on to this place because it’s his favorite restaurant in the City.

2948 21st St. @ Treat St.

If I were to guess what El Cachanilla translates to in English it would be, “not fucking around”. I know that’s not the translation at all, but seriously, this place makes all the other taquerias in the Mission look like total pussies. Sure I’ve seen other taquerias that sell tacos with cabeza (head fat), tripas (intestines), lengua (tongue) and even sesos (brains) before, but El Cachanilla one-ups them all and sells fucking ojos (bull eyes) too! If this were a prison movie, none of the other taquerias would mess with El Cachanilla because they’d be like, “See that guy over there? That dude is god damn crazy. I ain’t messin’ with him.” On a slightly more serious note though, this place does have good, cheap food ($1.50 tacos), and a little walk up taco window for if you just wanna order to go. Yo, if you do end up eating the ojos let me know.

3392 24th St. @ Valencia

A friend of mine, who works as a cook at a nice restaurant on Pier 39, once told me that a hamburger at his job cost $16. My immediate reaction was, “SIXTEEN DOLLARS! You better at least get a reach-around with your $16 hamburger!” After I explained in Spanish what a reach-around was, he answered, “No, but it does come with some very good fries.” Big Mouth Burgers also has very good fries that come with their burgers. And their burgers, while not being the cheapest in the Mission, are by no means $16. They offer a choice of burgers from hormone free beef, to veggie, to pork loin and also let you choose between baked beans, Caesar salad or great fries. Big Mouth also proudly sells Mitchell’s Ice cream so that you can have a delicious milkshake or root-beer float for dessert.

331 W 4th St. @ Horatio St.

When I first discovered this place, I told Sacagawea about how I found this amazing little gem of a dive bar in the West Village that would be perfect for the book. When he asked me the name of it, and I told him it was the Corner Bistro, he and the two girls sitting at our table laughed in my face. Of course my reaction was, “Eat a bag of dicks, fuckfaces,” with which, they responded to with more laughter (my insults are never very convincing). Apparently the “discovery”, which I had attributed to my finely tuned, broke-ass sensory perception, was really quite famous, bordering on being world-renowned. Sacagawea hammered this point in by telling me, “It’s like coming to me and telling me that you found this great place called the Chelsea Hotel.” Regardless of my newbie naïveté, I can tell you that this place hits pretty much every benchmark of what makes a bar great: $2.50 Budweisers, $3.50 Stellas and $5.75 for one of the best burgers you’ve ever had. Plus it looks like someone completely forgot to gentrify it. It has exposed brick walls, old wooden booths, a register that whirs when used, and has a jukebox that plays nothing but jazz and blues. And the best part of this is that none of it meant to be ironic; it’s actually this way. What? That’s not enough for you? It also manages to attract hotties of all persuasions too. If you see me there, buy me a drink.